I was at the kid’s school doing my usual volunteer work when all of a sudden I felt a little tingle in my jeans.  Then I realised that little tingle was an ant crawling around in the back of my jeans.  I squirmed and wriggled all the while listening to a six year old sounding out for me and hoping not to gain the attention of the class.  Then…ooopppps… all my repositioning must have given the ant an easy route to follow… right down the bum crack express lane! I clenched my butt cheeks in the vein hope of squashing the little fellow but I think I just made him mad.  So here I was with another 18 kids or so to still work with and an ant break dancing in my pants.  It took a lot of restraint not to stand up and shove my hand down my pants but I was able to control myself and soon enough the ant made his own way out. I was just thankful it wasn’t a green ant because if that was the case my actions would have been VERY different and those poor children would have needed years of therapy!

I just read a news article about a man from Michigan (Jason Leroy Savage) who pleaded guilty to indecent exposure.  It seems he was caught red handed at a public car wash performing “sex acts” with the vacuum cleaner.  His little romp with the vac cost him 90 days in prison and I’m sure some of the inmates will be very pleased to hear what Jason is in for… very pleased indeed!

While reading a book waiting for my appointment at the dentist, I heard a man leave one of the dental rooms and talk casually to the receptionist. Once I finished my paragraph I looked up and there before me stood a 6 foot plus chunky woman dressed in a black and white leopard print blouse, 3/4 pants with open toed jeweled shoes. Where did the man go? Then the woman tuned to face me and BLAM it hit me… she was a he! That long red hair couldn’t hide his adams apple and deep voice and as far as transsexuals go he made an ultra ugly woman!

On a recent weekend visit to my mothers house I seemed to have packed way too much for such a short stay.  However despite my large suitcase and two smaller bags I some how managed to forget the shampoo.  No problem, I’d just borrow my mothers… or at least that was the plan.  Here I was having a shower, my hair was wet but ‘ooops’ I forgot to ask for the shampoo.  What was I going to do? call out? not wash my hair? But then I noticed the liquid soap dispenser… that will do!  I lathered up then rinsed, bingo… all done.  Sure my hair felt a little dry afterwards but dry was better than oily.   When I told my husband what I had done he simply shook his head and said “You’ve hit a new low”.

I’m sure everyone has their own unique triggers that will drag them from a deep sleep. I can sleep through New Years Eve fireworks but if one of the kids sniffles or mumbles I’m instantly awake.  The same goes for cat fights and my chihuahua making any sort of noise.  The other night I was really enjoying an action packed dream filled with bad guys and car chases then all of a sudden there was an explosion of noise and I was out of bed in a flash yelling “cat fight” and racing to try to locate where my cat was being beaten up.  Then when I saw the cat window closed it hit me, I no longer have a cat.  She died ten months ago but still my ‘cat fight’ alarm went off in my sleep, so what on earth was that ungodly sound I heard?  Then I heard Luke say “What the hell are you doing?”  So I tried to explain that I heard a noise and I thought it was a cat fight blah blah blah.   It all became clear when he looked at me and said “I blew my nose”.  Not quite a cat fight but I assure you the sound was incredibly similar through the haze of a dream!

When I was young my father took me to a chess club and I really enjoyed it even though I really wasn’t that good.  Now my eight year old enjoys playing the game however she plays on the computer without the pressure of a chess clock and round rotations.   I walked into the room while she was playing and overheard her saying “Prawn takes…” My laughing stopped her midsentence and I took the opportunity to remind her that the piece was in fact a PAWN not a crustation.

On my last trip up to Hervey Bay to see my mother I discovered that she had a home breathalyser and I thought that was such a fantastic idea.  Drink driving is something I have no tolerance for but at the same time I realise it is VERY easy to go over the legal limit of .05, especially when you consider that a can of beer is 1.5 standard drinks not 1.  Not being a drinker myself I wouldn’t use one but if you are the average Aussie who like to have a few drinks I can see the practical benefit of owning a personal breathalyser.  In fact I happened to witness the practical benefit myself when after a late night then an early rise in the morning my step-father and mother both blew .07… no driving for them!  I would have assumed they were OK to drive… well maybe not my mother.  I saw her holding a digital alarm clock up saying “what did she do to this thing?”   She assumed the cat had knocked it over and that was the reason the clock was making no sense but then…’ding’… she realised it was upside down! It may have simply been a “blonde” moment or perhaps it was the alcohol but either way… it sure was funny!

I’m not an AC/DC fan but my husband does enjoy a few of their songs so it’s only natural that our children have gravitated toward AC/DC as well.  They especially like the “T.N.T” song.  Add to this the academic lifestyle and I was not at all surprised to hear my eight year old singing “P.H.D…I’m a power load… P.H.D… Watch me explode”.

On the way to the movies the other day Luke and I drove past a stockpile of bark that was on council land.  There were the appropriate signs stating “Property of Brisbane City Council”  as well as “Do Not Enter” yet despite this there was a woman shoveling bark into her station wagon while her son played on top of the mound.  There was no way of misreading the situation, this was theft in broad daylight!  The funny thing about it was that right next door was the police station with loads of police cars parked out front.  So I suppose if the abundant police presence wasn’t going to deter this thief… nothing was!

Luke and I took the kids to Southbank for a swim yesterday but because we went to the museum first we had to use the public toilet/shower rooms to get changed… what a mistake!  As soon as the girls and I walked into the change area I must have turned pale and I’m sure I felt my heart skip a beat because smack bang in front of me were a pair of old nanna boobs as white as white can be.  There were women exposing their muffs left right and centre so the girls and I backed out the way we came and headed straight for the privacy of a toilet cubicle.  The three of us crammed in and shut the door only to be greeting by a disgustingly filthy toilet that stunk to high Heaven!  The last occupant must have taken a dump of the century if the skid marks on the toilet bowl were anything to go by.  The floor was covered in liquid and I’m just praying that it was simply water… lots and lots of water.   We got changed and hightailed it out of there to meet up with Luke, who just so happened to look as shocked as I felt.  He then told me of his encounter in the men’s change room which pretty much matched my experience.  Some of his actual words were “I walked in and the first thing I saw was some English bloke flopping it around in front of me… it was like a light house it was so white!”   We then made the sensible decision of driving home in our swimming togs so that we didn’t have to go back into the change rooms.  Next time I’m wearing my togs underneath my clothes!