While wasting time on youtube the other day I came across a video on how to pick a padlock with just two paperclips, my interest was piqued. I watched as some young kid opened a locked padlock in just a few seconds, I was impressed.  I armed myself with a pair of pliers and a stack of paperclips.  I followed online instruction and  hey presto… I had my own tool set.  The only problem was that I couldn’t actually pick the lock, I tried and I tried but I just couldn’t do it.  I got more and more frustrated as I watched clip after clip on youtube, these KIDS seem to be able to pick a lock in a few seconds flat!  I made four sets of picks and pressure wrenches ( I even sacrificed a fork) but I still couldn’t do it! Luke got home after work and seeing the fruits of my labour spread out on the computer desk he said “You need a job”. I explained that I was learning a new skill because you just never know when you could find yourself locked in a room with only paperclips to escape… what I need…  is to be able to pick a lock!

While taking the kids to school one morning we walked past what seemed to be the perfect lawn.  While all the other houses had high grass due to the recent rain this lawn was well trimmed with not a single weed in sight. Out of curiosity Luke bent down to touch it and then exclaimed “It’s AstroTurf!”  Upon closer inspection we could see that not only had the owners of the house AstroTurfed the council strip, they had also AstroTurfed their balcony and the front yard was nothing but pavers.  Now that’s what I call a low maintenance yard.

So I see Pauline Hanson is giving Australia the ditch, well quite frankly I’m with her!  No longer is Australia the “land of opportunity” it more like the “land of bullshit and overpriced houses”.  Luke and I were looking at house prices elsewhere in the world and on average we were looking at paying four and a half times the average annual income… that’s acceptable.  Here in Australia we are looking at paying nine… that’s bullshit!

It’s that time at school when your child comes home playing “hot cross buns” over and over and OVER again on the recorder. God help me I thought,  then I was stopped in my tracks as a strangely familiar tune floated into the kitchen. Upon inspection I found Luke trying to teach Claire the AC/DC song “Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap”.  The recorder isn’t the greatest instrument for an AC/DC song but it sure shows a hard core side to the recorder that beats the crap out of “hot cross buns”.

While driving around with Luke we came to a T-Section and there before us was quite a lovely house.  The following conversation took place:

Luke: Will you look at that!

Me: Yeah it’s not bad, it’s got a little courtyard for Lil.

Luke: Not that, lower your sights sweetheart.

Sure enough there in the front yard was a caravan,  which goes to show… you can take the boy out of the caravan but you can’t take the caravan out of the boy!

I love getting my hands dirty and spending time in the garden BUT the garden in our new home must be some cruel cosmic joke! After spending a number of years moving from one house to another cleaning up the neglected yards it looks like I have to do it all over again. My daughter was in shock as she first set eyes on the so called garden beds… weed beds would be a more acurate term.  The sheer size of the weeds are amazing, the photo above shows Claire holding a weed that actually bends over her head… it is in fact taller than me!  So yet again, it’s time to pull up my sleeves and get gardening but this time I can’t use weed sprays because our guinea pigs like to munch on the grass and flat weed.  It’s old fashioned weed pulling for me and for once in my life I’m thankful for a small yard!

Walking to pick the kids up from school the other day I noticed two Asian women (mother and daughter I think) walking ahead of me pushing a pram.  I shook my head and said to myself “Thank God those days are over”.  Then right in front of my eyes I got an eyeful of grandmother butt and the older woman dropped her pants and squatted on the sidewalk to pee.  I couldn’t believe it, is this an Asian cultural norm I am not aware of?  The woman then pulled up her shorts and proceeded to walk down the street.  I text Luke what I had just seen and he replied with “Sweet Jesus…she probably has dementia… at least she wasn’t taking a shit.”

Have you ever been in a situation where you find yourself in the company of someone who could be pregnant or just fat?  A little while ago I did and I wasn’t sure what to do, do I ignore it? do I ask? I looked for a wedding ring but didn’t notice one, then again these days a lot of people are having children without being married so it really wasn’t going to be much help. I have heard horror stories of people assuming a pregnancy only to find out in a most embarrassing way that the woman was simply fat.  In the end I simply ignored the swollen  belly and got out of there as fast as I could… before one of the kids said anything!