I’ll make this post short and sweet, ok not so sweet but short I can do.  Last night consisted of spew, spew and more spew! Natalie seems to have picked something up and all through the night I was helping her aim her tremendous amounts of vomit into a bucket.  I really must get back to her in case that thunder of chunder comes around once more, I know it’s only a matter of time. Oh the joy of motherhood!

Aaaaahhhhh my microwave is dead and it’s only 6 months old, nothing lasts these days.  I was planning on cooking my rice in that tonight, that’s about the only thing I cook in the bloody thing and it had to die tonight of all nights!  Perhaps it’s a bad omen about staying in this house? Or more than likely simply the result of cheap workmanship and dodgy house wiring.  My sister’s going to be pissed when she comes home from work expecting to heat her dinner up in the microwave.  Here’s to everything being made in China…cheers!

About two months ago I realised that our lease was coming up for renewal and wanting to be on top of things I contacted the real estate agent with a few questions.  Firstly I wanted to know if we were allowed to change our pet situation from one cat and one chihuahua to two chihuahuas since our cat died during our tenancy.  Secondly I wanted to know if the rent was going to increase again, since we just agreed to a $30 a week rent rise.  Do you think they responded? NO! No phone call, no e-mail just silence.  I gave them a little time then I tried again but they simply didn’t return my phone calls.  The property manager was always “out” and her fingers must have been broken because she obviously couldn’t dial the telephone and call me back.  Just a few weeks out from the end of out lease I started to panic and my phone calls were still not being returned.  Finally the new lease arrived in the post and what do you know the rent has gone up another $30 a week and we are not allowed to get a second pet even though we moved in here with two! The agent purposefully let this issue drag on and now we have two days to decide if we stay or move.  How can they get away with this?  Not answering tenants questions, changing conditions on leases and even hanging up on tenants! Yep you read correctly, I got sick of being told the property manager was “out” so I called her direct mobile number and after a few rings the phone was answered and then I was hung up on!  I have come to the conclusion that real estate agents have a deceptive nature about them and not just the rental aspect either.  How about the saying “renovators delight” you just know that means “barely habitable” and filled to the brim with bad wiring, asbestos walls and termites.  The whole real estate business makes me sick!

The other day Claire was struggling with her homework so I asked her what the problem was.  She told me that she had to write five  poems about China but she didn’t know how to write a poem.  I tried to explain to her that she need not rhyme every line just the second and fourth lines.  She still didn’t quite get it so I wrote:

China China
Big and red
Guns with bullets
In your head

Ok, no masterpiece by any stretch of the imagination but I felt that it demonstrated the rhyming pattern easily enough for her to copy.  And copy she did because when I checked her homework a little later on there was my two second bloody red China protest poem on her homework sheet.  Plagiarism in the third grade… a SEVEN year old!  I made her rub it out and do her own protest poem, here is what she came up with:

China China
Big and bad
China China
Big and sad
China China
Makes me mad

Personally I still think it’s a little too close to my example poem. There’s still a little plagiarism going on there but I’ll let it slide.  I do wonder though what her teacher is going to say about that little beauty?

I have no musical talent what so ever! I have no rhythm and most definitely no coordination so it’s probably a good thing I also have no interest in learning an instrument.  My oldest daughter however does and she is forever singing and demonstrating her skills by playing the air viola for me.  She is learning the viola at school but at home I’m afraid it’s air instruments only.  This morning however Claire expressed her musical skills in a most unexpected way.  Luke and I heard the toilet flush and then the spray of air freshener, then it started.  Deep Purple’s “Smoke on the water”  could be heard as clear as a bell… all played on toilet spray!

Today Luke was working from home, slogging it out in front of his laptop.  I don’t know how he can spend so much time in front of that bloody thing, my eyes would be so sore.  So here I was feeling sorry for him, sitting on a couch that sags horribly typing away earning money to feed his family.  Then as I was passing through the lounge room I heard him say “straight through me like a hot curry”.  I stopped dead in my tracks and looked at him, he quickly said “oh I mean methodologies”.  SPRUNG, here he was playing a cricket game!

I’m used to finding my hair here there and everywhere, I often say that like most breeds of dogs I molt.  It doesn’t concern me, I’ve got plenty of hair to go around.  I was however quite horrified when I plucked a strand of grey hair off my jumper!  Being thirty one I am quite aware that a few grey hairs have started showing up BUT I had no idea I had more than just a few.  Grey on a horse is beautiful but grey on a thirty one year old?   AAAHHHH…what do I do now?  Do I dye my hair?  Do I age naturally and welcome a multi-coloured mop of hair that will ultimately return to just one colour… GREY!  Perhaps I’ll just ignore it and avoid all mirrors for the next few years because let’s face it… I’m too cheap to fork over money for hair dye!

When my mother comes down to visit every seven weeks or so she brings down bags of goodies.  Fruit and vegetables from her garden, pickeled produce of her own creation and my kids favourite… soft cheese!  It was quite good timing this last visit as I hadn’t been to the shops and I needed lettuce for a salad.  So here I was hand deep in a bag of lettuce getting a nice handful for the salad when I felt something hairy.  When I opened my hand there was a huntsman spider!  Of course I let out a screem and I can’t quite remember but I’m sure I yelled at my mother for giving me her spiders.  I left the kitchen at this point and let my husband take the spider outside.  It didn’t seem fair to kill the poor thing after surviving my mothers harvesting and enduring a three hour and twenty minute car ride then withstanding the chilling temperatures at the back of my fridge.  So right now somewhere in my back yard is a Hervey Bay huntsman spider now living in the big smoke of Brisbane.

Today Natalie (age 5)  said “mama dick” as if she were saying “mama how’s it going?”  I asked her where she heard that word and of course she said from school.   I then told her that you can’t go around calling people dicks because it’s a swear word people use it to insult others. She then asked me what a dick was so I  told her ‘dick’ is just another word for wanger… our preferred word for the humble penis in this house.  She then told me that Lauchlan (the boy she wants to marry) showed her his wanger in the playground.  I said “yes honey, boys will do that!”

I have to admit that I have a soft spot for poker but I would NEVER play for real money, I just like the game. The children see me playing it on Facebook and now Claire (age 7) is showing some interest in the game and picking up the rules. The other day while watching me play she said “please Jesus we need a queen and a five”.   I told her she can ask as much as she likes but Jesus has better things to do than rig a poker game.