Do you ever find yourself talking to your kids and getting nothing but grunts in response?  Or perhaps you get glazed eyes looking at you but not quite functioning…the morning stare I call it.  Whether it’s caused by lack of sleep or lack of attention it can lead to misunderstandings.  Take this morning for example, I told my seven year old that her lunch box and water bottle were in the middle compartment of her school bag.  She had “the morning stare” happening so I told her once again as she left the house that her lunch box was in the middle compartment….MIDDLE!  Twenty minutes later I get a phone call from the school about Claire’s missing lunch.  I just knew she wasn’t really hearing what I was saying and now I had the proof in the form of a phone call.  I assured them that I did send her to school with lunch and if she could just look in the middle section of her school bag it will be there.  Sure enough, there it was in the MIDDLE section.  The sad thing is that Claire was in tears thinking I had given her no food for the day….what am I to do?  Tattooing is too permanent but perhaps next time I get ‘the morning stare” I’ll write any information for her in permanent marker on her arm!

Do you leave your shopping receipt in the trolley then go home?  Perhaps I have done a profile on you?  You see I like to read other people’s receipts, it’s like a game for me…shopping docket profiling.  Maybe I have watched one episode too many of Criminal Minds, who knows but I enjoy it.

This morning I picked up a receipt and according to my profile the shopper was a single working female who earns a decent amount of money but not enough to be flippant with her purchase choices. She is health orientated and could possibly be a vegetarian with little time to prepare meals. She owns a cat that she loves dearly and she enjoys her alcoholic beverages to be mixers?  Oh and her home has a cockroach infestation.  How do I know this, well let me explain.

I say she is a female due to the ultra thin super absorbent winged pads and I know she is single because there are no male products or children oriented items.  I suggest she earns a decent wage because she has purchased rice snacks by weight at $17.98 a kg instead of $2.50 for 250g pre-packed.  She also purchased individual boxed dried fruit instead of the cheaper bulk pack that can be divided into smaller portions.  However she is not beyond purchasing marked down milk so she still tracks her spending to some degree.   I say that she is health oriented and possibly a vegetarian due to the physical no fat milk, 1kg of couscous, multiple tins of chick peas and not one single meat item on quite a long receipt.  She has little time to prepare meals due to the fact that she purchases tinned tomatoes already infused with garlic and herbs.  Quick and easy just like preparing couscous.  I know she owns a cat due to the numerous tins of cat food but the reason I know she loves her cat is because of the high quality high cost individual tin purchases.  Calamari and shrimp etc not a single generic brand.  As for her alcohol beverages being mixes, the four bottles of diet tonic water is a good clue.  Last but not least her cockroach problem.  Not only has she purchased surface spray but a six pack of cockroach bait lead me to believe that she has seen more than one or two of those ugly little critters running through her kitchen. Of course the longer the receipt the better the profile, so go ahead and give it a go!

Years ago my husband and I were at the shops and feeling a little hungry.  Back then we had NO spare money and eating out was never an option but we could buy a little roll from the bakery for $1.  With this in mind Luke said “let’s get some fellatio bread.”  Well I think the woman standing behind us almost collapsed after hearing that.  I had to laugh while corrected him,  saying “I think you mean focaccia.”

We ALL like to see other people fail. That’s why we slow down at car accidents and have a good look. Come on we all do it…..we can’t help it. Failure is something we don’t personally want to experience but we sure don’t mind laughing at others misfortunes. I’m not saying we laugh at car accidents but we ARE drawn to the possibility of blood and gore. And what is a car accident if it’s not a “failure” to brake, observe, etc etc?? Failure can have many outcomes and where ever there is failure there will always be people around to enjoy it on one level or another. Whether it’s the office bitch laughing at a person being fired or simply a family watching Funniest Home Video. I have to admit I do get a laugh out of other peoples incompetence or misfortune…sad to say I know…but I’m only human. To get my failure fix I like to visit The Fail Blog.  Good fun!

Is it a cruel cosmic joke that we start our lives in nappies and usually end it in nappies as well?  I’d like to age gracefully and stay in control of my faculties, is that too much to ask?  In fact while we are at it I’d like to request a quick and painless death in my sleep as well.  I’d like to keep my dignity until death if that’s alright, unlike so many other people I hear about.  You see my mother works in aged care and some of the stories I hear simply send shivers down my spine. I can’t imagine not being able to clean my teeth,  get dressed or wipe my own bum.   The thought of having some stranger wash me down in the shower is just too much to bare.  No I tell a lie, having dementia and using the corner of the room as a toilet then playing finger painting with it IS too much to bare.  Sure sounds like we travel full circle in life, old age sure can steal your dignity!

I have discovered that when you live in a house that is more like a shoe box :

1. In the dead of night you can put the hallway light on and see everything in the fridge….even when your fridge light is broken.

2. Vacuuming the floor only takes 8 minutes tops….that includes emptying the bag.

3.  The children have no hiding places when they are in trouble…..unless you count the toilet.

4. Real estate inspections take 2 minutes…. shame about the 5 hours you sit around waiting for them.

5. A main bedroom can double as an office and a bedroom… who said never mix business and pleasure?

Yep, if you look hard enough there are always positives in any situation.

Luke and I have been married 12 years this June.  Quite a long time these days with a divorce rate somewhere around 50%.  I would attribute common interests and a firm belief in God for our marriage surviving this far.  We have had our low times and high times but that’s just part of life.   Meeting each other at 16 then getting married a little shy of my 19th birthday sounds crazy to some.  I’m just grateful I met my sole mate at such an early age.  I can’t imagine being “on the market” and having to really date.  At 16 a date consists of the movies and McDonald’s…easy!  I could also attribute our happiness to such things as compromise, respect and the joy of children but what I tell people most of all is one simple fact.  He may be a slightly overweight white guy BUT  he’s black where it counts…need I say more?

After so long in the household with small children I think I have developed Ergophobia.  No I’m not pulling your leg Ergophobia is real, go google it if you don’t believe me. In laymen terms it’s a  fear of working.  Although I’m not completely comfortable with that term because I like to work….just not with people.  Perhaps I have Anthrophobia which is the fear of people or society.  Yes that sounds more like me…… I have always said “I don’t like people”.   So what do I do about it? I suppose I could get a job working on my own but then who is going to hire someone whose only qualification is “housewife”.  That’s a blog for another day though….let’s stick to phobias.  Perhaps the strangest phobia I can think of is Barophobia, which is the fear of gravity.  How the hell do you get that phobia and what can you do about it?  Here’s one for you….Chionophobia….the fear of snow!  What sort of childhood snow ball fights bring on this phobia?  Evil santa probably has something to do with this one for sure….you can’t trust a man with fluffy white cuffs.  There are so many phobias that I’m sure I could diagnose myself with art least a dozen.  How about you have a go and see what your phobias are at www.phobialist.com   HAVE FUN!

Yesterday my 7 year old “clocked” her first game – Barbie:The island Princess on the Nintendo Wii. This is her first games console and I have to admit it’s pretty good. When I was seven our gaming console was the good old Atari 2600. I remember the day my father brought it home. It was like the heavens opened up and shone a beam directly into our house….wow! Even the kids next door came over to gape wide eyed at this marvelous piece of technology. Remember the games Asteroids, Berzerk, and of course Space Invaders? I LOVED them but there certainly wasn’t the luxury of being able to save your progress. No way, back in the good old days if you wanted to “clock” a game you woke up at the crack of dawn and stayed glued to the screen until dinner time. You better have a strong bladder as well because a true gamer will control bodily function until an appropriate rest period presents itself. Also when you ran out of lives you died…simple. None of this starting from the last checkpoint or refreshing at the previous level. Oh no, you had to accept defeat, rub your eyes and start all over again.

It’s been said that the dog is man’s best friend, well I say it’s more special than that. If you were to open my wallet you would see a photo of my dog.(sorry kids) staring back at you. I LOVE my eleven year old chihuahua. Sure she is now mostly gray and is going blind but she is my baby. She comforts me when I am down, makes me laugh with her “puppy dog” antics and is always waiting for me when I step through the front door. In her eyes I will never be worthless, rejected, unappreciated, not good enough or any other negative emotions us humans are so good at causing others. She offers love and I’m happy to give love in return, as well as her arthritis medication. My dog gives me endless joy and I can only hope you have a special relationship with yours as well.

This is part of the lifehack.org “Spread the Love” competition.